Tuesday, December 24, 2013

A Few Things That I Have Been Afraid to Publish

I don't blog as much as I should, or as much as I want to. One of the main reasons for that is I am afraid to share some things … well, a lot of things. I don't want this blog to be a personal diary and I don't have many people in my life that I trust to really tell the truth, but I know that I need to get things out. I hold a lot inside because I simply don't trust anyone with it. I don't like it. I want to be more open, but I can't. I started writing this after I read a post on my friend's blog, Fabulous Run, that challenged her to share "Things That I Have Been Too Afraid to Publish" [original post]. With trepidation …

I am afraid that I won't find a place where I truly belong. Since I graduated from high school, I have never felt "at home" in any place that I have lived. I transferred front he Citadel to Coastal Carolina so  I missed out on the true freshman experience and bonding with my classmates. My brother attended is 10-year reunion and had an amazing time catching up with his buddies. I'll never have that. I don't know my classmates. I haven't kept in touch with my line sisters. I transferred to Georgia Southern for grad school after a brief stint at Emory. I made great friends there that I don't keep in touch with enough. Every one has their lives and their own families. I don't. I'm always just a visitor. I don't feel at home in my apartment in Indiana. In five years, I have never decorated for Christmas, I just recently hung something on a wall. I don't want to spend the money on a place that doesn't make me feel at home. Perhaps the decorations will help, but I don't think so. "You'll always be somewhere on the outside."

I hate where I currently live. Hate is a strong word. I hate this city. I know that I should be grateful for the opportunity it has afforded me, but I live a devastatingly lonely life there. I've started packing. I don't know where I'm going or when, but I must go. "I'm leaving today. I'm living it. I'm leaving it.. to change."

I always squeeze the toothpaste from the middle.

I spend too much time with people I don't want to be around. I am either with people I don't want to (mostly co-workers or working dinners, receptions, etc.) or I am alone. It has affected my ability to build relationships with people I care about. I am not as patient or accepting. If I don't like something, I just excuse myself from the situation. I can't do that with people I care about. I've been conditioned to run instead of stand and fight. "If you look a little bit deeper and see that I need you to understand who I am."

I haven't been truly happy in a long time. Maybe, ever.

It has been over a year since I have been in a relationship and I miss it. Not him. I miss the intimacy of being in a relationship. Not sex. The closeness and comfort of it. I miss that so much. My last relationship ended without notice and for reasons that I still don't understand, although he tried to explain 8 months later. "Didn't see it coming. No kind of warning. I can't work out what I've done wrong."

I have a close friend that I wonder what it would be like if we were more than friends. I often daydream about a deeper relationship. We have a lot in common and think about life, culture and music in similar ways. The more I think about it, the more I realize how much time I am wasting by not telling him. "Not really sure how to feel about it. Something in the way you move."

Adele's 'Hiding My Heart Away' is the story of my life. I play it on just about every flight back to my place. "And though I wish that you were here on that same old road that brought me here… but like everything I've ever known [it] disappears some day, so I spend my whole life hiding my heart away."


1 comment:

  1. I totally understand where you are coming from!!! It sounds like you are searching for your own comfort zone. It will come...if for no other reason...you have acknowledged it! You know what you want and where you want to go. It's just a matter of getting there

    Maybe you should tell dude how you feel. What's the worse that can happen?

    Merry Christmas!!!