A Few Things That I Have Been Afraid to Publish

I don't blog as much as I should, or as much as I want to. One of the main reasons for that is I am afraid to share some things … well, a lot of things. I don't want this blog to be a personal diary and I don't have many people in my life that I trust to really tell the truth, but I know that I need to get things out. I hold a lot inside because I simply don't trust anyone with it. I don't like it. I want to be more open, but I can't. I started writing this after I read a post on my friend's blog, Fabulous Run, that challenged her to share "Things That I Have Been Too Afraid to Publish" [original post]. With trepidation …

I am afraid that I won't find a place where I truly belong. Since I graduated from high school, I have never felt "at home" in any place that I have lived. I transferred front he Citadel to Coastal Carolina so  I missed out on the true freshman experience and bonding with my classmates. My brother attended is 10-year reunion and had an amazing time catching up with his buddies. I'll never have that. I don't know my classmates. I haven't kept in touch with my line sisters. I transferred to Georgia Southern for grad school after a brief stint at Emory. I made great friends there that I don't keep in touch with enough. Every one has their lives and their own families. I don't. I'm always just a visitor. I don't feel at home in my apartment in Indiana. In five years, I have never decorated for Christmas, I just recently hung something on a wall. I don't want to spend the money on a place that doesn't make me feel at home. Perhaps the decorations will help, but I don't think so. "You'll always be somewhere on the outside."

I hate where I currently live. Hate is a strong word. I hate this city. I know that I should be grateful for the opportunity it has afforded me, but I live a devastatingly lonely life there. I've started packing. I don't know where I'm going or when, but I must go. "I'm leaving today. I'm living it. I'm leaving it.. to change."

I always squeeze the toothpaste from the middle.

I spend too much time with people I don't want to be around. I am either with people I don't want to (mostly co-workers or working dinners, receptions, etc.) or I am alone. It has affected my ability to build relationships with people I care about. I am not as patient or accepting. If I don't like something, I just excuse myself from the situation. I can't do that with people I care about. I've been conditioned to run instead of stand and fight. "If you look a little bit deeper and see that I need you to understand who I am."

I haven't been truly happy in a long time. Maybe, ever.

It has been over a year since I have been in a relationship and I miss it. Not him. I miss the intimacy of being in a relationship. Not sex. The closeness and comfort of it. I miss that so much. My last relationship ended without notice and for reasons that I still don't understand, although he tried to explain 8 months later. "Didn't see it coming. No kind of warning. I can't work out what I've done wrong."

I have a close friend that I wonder what it would be like if we were more than friends. I often daydream about a deeper relationship. We have a lot in common and think about life, culture and music in similar ways. The more I think about it, the more I realize how much time I am wasting by not telling him. "Not really sure how to feel about it. Something in the way you move."

Adele's 'Hiding My Heart Away' is the story of my life. I play it on just about every flight back to my place. "And though I wish that you were here on that same old road that brought me here… but like everything I've ever known [it] disappears some day, so I spend my whole life hiding my heart away."

-Run